Friday, March 31

Sympathizing with this... Trying to Cope... Taking it one day at a time....


Wednesday, March 29

Singing In The Rain

If you know me well, then you might know that I don't like getting messy or sticky. And so it's common sense that I also detest mud. I always avoid the trails unless we've had 3 days of straight sun so that I know the trails are dry. I hate the slippery muddy areas after the rain that makes me slide and stick with every step. But God has a way of helping you get over your neurosis. A few weeks ago I went to run one morning at Quicksilver. About half way through it starts to lightly rain. And I'm very annoyed at this, but what can I do? So I push myself harder and faster to wrap up the next 45 minutes and get out of there as fast as possible. Then last week it happens again. This time it's not just a sprinkle but real significant rain drops coupled with chilling wind. This morning I had planned to go run when I got off of work at 8am, but it was raining pretty hard. I contemplated going to the gym instead, but then I decided to screw it and just deal with the wetness and the ick mud. So I arrive and begin the trail in a mindset to finally overcome my issue with running in the rain when all of a sudden it stops raining. The sun comes out and it's warm. I have to tie my windbreaker around my waist and ditch the gloves. And I was kinda disappointed that I was robbed the experience of conquering my neurosis. It rained again later in the run, but not enough for me to even bother to put my windbreaker back on.

So I will most likely having both of my nanny gigs ending this summer. I have been contemplating other work ideas. I was considering going back to work for hidden villa for the summer. And I could find another nanny job or household manager job. Realistically, I can't do core convergence full time. And I can't continue to justify working part time so I can devote myself tothe non profit, because I don't use my free time on that anyways. So I think it's time to get a real job again in an office, with benefits, and a supervisor, and rules. My resume is completely out of date. Even the font needs freshening up. I'm a bit freaked about having to rewrite it. I've been working off the same resume format for many years. It was a winning resume that always landed me the job. Plus I have experience in HR and I know a good resume. But mine doesn't look so great anymore. It needs a major lift. So next time you see me ask me about it, because I need to get this squared away. Especially because I have my eye on a juicy little position that combines two of my most successful passions and positions. Pray for me.

Monday, March 27

Babies and the such

The Cobalt Season will wrap up their America tour to begin their European tour. Then they'll wrap that up to return here to begin their parentage tour. Holly is expecting in October. It's so exciting. I envy the babe who gets such blessed lullibies. And by the time they come back from Europe they will probably really be showing on Holly's tiny frame. And the art that this journey will inspire. And the lyrics it will birth. This begins a new life season for them as well as a new creative season too. I can't wait to see the finished product.

Monday, March 13

A Good and Rightful Enemy

I have an new enemy. I can't stand the tattletale who loves to humiliate me. My enemy can be found hanging around Zac's house and it's name is Stupid Smoke Detector. Now it knows that I have not at all set the house on fire, but still everytime I cook dinner over there it makes sure to loudly interject it's two cents... Beep Beep Beep Beep = translation: Your Girlfriend Can't Cook! To which I have to explain while jumping up and down waving a dish towel in the air that it's nothing. Dinner is not burnt. It's just the seasonings on the pan that burnt. I swear it's not always like this. This is not indicitive of my cooking over all. Cooking for Zac makes me nervous and I almost always mess something up. I feel such a pressure to convince him that I really can cook. Meals would be better off if I made them when he wasn't around and without his feedback on what he wants to eat. I'm use to just cooking what I like to cook and eat. I'm not use to taking requests. Maybe I set up a menu... here's what I cook.... choose items only off the menu... there will be no substitutions. I have a great vast menu of great gourmet foods, but carne asada is not on it. Nor are hash browns, or carrots, or stir fry. Even if these things are very easy. They are not on the menu. Ok, starting to sound like a complaining housewife so I'll stop now. Really my beef is with the smoke detector and not with my wonderful boyfriend who rarely burns anything when he cooks.

Saturday, March 11

Are You Kidding Me!?!

I just got the paperwork in the mail for my speeding ticket. I was surprised when it said I was not eligible for traffic school. I looked through my files and found the date of my last violation. I was only 9 days short of the 18 month period necessary between violations. Aarrgg!!! So that will be $365 and a permanent mark on my record. I'm sure my insurance company will love that one. Luckily my insurance already sent me out a quote for my next 6 months with them and it didn't reflect this ticket so I still get the good driver discount. I won't have this impacting my insurance at least for another 6 months. And by then another ticket hopefully will have timed out so that I still will qualify. Or maybe not. I'll just have to see. Anyways, at least I know traffic school is available for next time. *Sigh*

Wednesday, March 8


The cost of parking in the wrong place. It was late and dark and I didn't see the signs because they were blocked from visibility by other parked cars. And to top it I was partially in the red. So this morning I go out to find that my car has been towed. They are working on the street and my vehicle was in the way. Apparently I had just missed it. Now I scan my brain for who isn't working who can help me out. And the logical answer is my mother because she is right around the corner, but our last encounter was hurtful and I'm not quite over that pain. So I skip logical and go around to the next best thing. Family like friends. Jerome's mom comes and picks me up and takes me to the police station where I pay $101 for the vehicle release and then to the tow yard where I pay $110 for the tow and $36 for the daily storage rate. $247 total . That was a huge pain.

So I keep meeting people on the street and interacting with them in fulfilling needs, but then once I'm gone it comes to me what else I could have done. The guy seemed a little down and my extra bagel although appreciated didn't cure his troubles. I should have asked what was bothering him. Or what he was reading. He was so unresponsive. Maybe he was bordering on ill. And the couple who approached me on the street and asked me to pray for them. Debbie and Patrick... now that I think about it I saw them peering into an abandoned building before they approached me. Perhaps, they were in need of a place to stay. They didn't mention that need when I asked them what they'd like me to pray for. But then again they also didn't mention the need for jobs or income yet they did need money for McDonalds. Maybe if I had spent more time relating to them I would have discovered a deeper need I could have helped with rather than just providing temporary solutions. Imagine if I had a problem that everybody just offered temporary help with but never had the peace of feeling stable or resolved, not knowing what I would do when the temporary solution ended. Money goes. Hunger returns. Nightfall comes. Rest is needed. I want to strive to make more permanent impacts on the people I encounter. I think my ability to do this will fall in line with my comfortableness in slowing down. These God sent opportunities often catch me off guard and I feel panic in my effort to respond. Pray that I can overcome the panic to clearly see what God is trying to show me about the situations before me.

The Big Question
A phenomenal film that I went and viewed last night at the Cinequest film festival. The blurb said it was to do with people's perceptions of God. I was surprised that this documentary was filmed in the Italian village location on the set of the Passion of the Christ film. The subjects for these interviews were the actors and the village locals. It was very intriguing as all sorts of view points were shared. And I think these interviewees were probably had given these topics much thought being surrounded by the filming of such a thought provoking movie. It's a shame it was the last showing of it, because I would suggest seeing it. I was certainly blessed by it. The artistic side of it was beautiful. There was a storyline of a wandering dog who aimlessly roamed and searched the countryside. It nicely paralleled the human spirituality process. And the differences unioned together with simularities of praise and flesh and it was really something I could appreciate.
The other day I was hiking Quicksilver and talking to God as I walked. First I was review the trinity and how I interacted with each part. The question that popped into my head was "Who am I praying to? the Father, the Son, or the Holy Spirit?" And I think I generally pray with God in mind, except for when I'm asking for favors then I think I have Jesus in mind more. And I ask for the Spirit but rarely pray to the Spirit. I don't feel like I'm often answered back directly by God or Jesus but almost always answered by the Holy Spirit from God or Jesus. Although sometimes it is more clearly presented answers in the forms of words and then I feel like it's Jesus. And I realize that they are an interconnected One, but I was intrigued by who I felt I was connecting and relating to in certain circumstances. God the Father as my loving creator, Jesus as my grace saving miracle worker, the Holy Spirit as my empowering force that grants me divine power and inspiration and comfort beyond my own capabilities.
So anyways as I continue in my walk I come to my favorite little spot along the river that I like to sit and pray at. And as I'm praying (to God the Father) I am praising in awe of how the Lord has every aspect of our beautiful world of nature balanced in equilibrium through His power and force. And I pray that he also as he does with the rivers and trees and earth and weather and creatures, that He would also keep my life in a balancing equilibrium, that he not let my life spin out of orbit and fall apart into self destructive chaos. As I continue my hike I spot a large majestic Oak tree that in the aftermath of recent rainstorms has cracked off a large limb that now lays at its trunk. And I ask God why in his perfect power of nature's equilibrium does he let this happen to the tree. In which I am answered (by God) that there are parts of our lives that are weak and not healthy and need to be severed, but good comes out of it because as that unhealthy limb lies unattached rotting at our base, it serves as nurtrients to strengthen the soil that the roots have their foundation in. As it is with my life. That which is broke off from me is to feed me, make me grow, to strengthen me, to protect me from falling altogether. It is a necessary sacrafice to maintain my equilibrium. It's the cycle of nature paralleled through my life of dying and growing parts of me simultaneously.

Monday, March 6

Just yesterday I was talking to Zac about the wonder of how sometimes I've left the house in a hurry for work not realizing I was wearing my slippers and not my shoes. This morning I discovered something worse than being trapped without proper shoes. I was exhausted when my alarm went off at 5am. In my groggled state I grabbed some clothes for the day in my bag and set off for work in my pajamas where I went back to sleep upon my arrival. When I got up hours later with the kids I realized that missing from the clothes I packed was a bra. For some going bra-less would be no big deal, but that is not my situation. I'll be making a pit stop to my house as soon as possible.

Yesterday the art wall had its debut. It looked great. People were very receptive to the interactive side of it. I think people were spiritually inspired. At least I hope they were. It was a ton of work, but I'm very pleased with the results. Pictures here as soon as Rob flickrs them. Digital camera is still broken.

Last night I took Zac to go see the very last San Jose show of Cirque Du Soliel's Corteo. It was phenomenal. Absolutely wonderful. The acrobatic wonders have me wanting to spend the afternoon jumping on the bed doing flips and twists (except I'm stifled by my inflexibility and my no bra status). I love the quirkiness. I am feeling inspired to go to Vegas for a weekend just to catch more shows.

Friday, March 3


Quotes I'm Digging
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. - Will Rogers
Are we having an impact on our world? Or is our world having an impact on us? - Os Hillman
If you can't change your fate, at least you can change your outfit. - Dittie

Thankful For:
2/16- gina's birthday, getting cheese fondue successfully under my belt of things I can do in the kitchen (like La Fondue style), and finding an old movie that I actually enjoyed (Magnificently Modern Millie).
2/17- finally getting to Costco for new contacts, spending the morning with my oldest friend Ann (and still being someone that she feels she can come to when she needs advice), and Lani being a blessed teacher (and the opportunity to create art).
2/18- having a bribe to control kid behavior, getting them to clean their house and bedrooms, being able to go out for a fun movie for a change, getting off of work a bit early instead of the usual hour late.
2/19- a successful introduction of art worship to 4 year old Caitlin who then states that she is painting where Jesus died and that the red is his blood and now it's going into the sky, finding old friends on myspace, deep afternoon talks with Zac, and organizing my bedroom and office so that the lovezac can finally be in it's proper place.
Then I stopped keeping track by day so... that I found and got to spend the day with my old friend Christina and her beautiful daughter, that my sister and neice came into town and I got to kick it in a family type setting hanging out with her parents for dinner, that I got to have my neice overnight on the only night she was in town on this 24 hour trip, for a great morning hike through Quicksilver where God was certainly talking in most prophetic styles, Holly and Ryan (Cobalt Season) rockin' it at Red Rock, Andrea and Mike coming with me, Jon making worship short so he and Zac could join, exciting news about where Holly and Ryan's adventures will have them going, finding paint for the art wall at $2/gallon bargain price, normal friday night fun vamped up with painting the wall, impromptu after hours get together at my house to pursue liquor and the best of monty python (too bad I'm a lousy bartender), the beautiful sunny saturday afternoon spent laying in the grass in the park watching the children play, stepping into hot biker couple role as we gear up for a ride to Palo Alto for dinner at one of my favorites (Nola's), and Zac being able to get a reservation online when the restaurant told me they were full that night on the phone, partaking in a whole whirl of silliness that resided at Gina's bowling birthday party, running into Curtis, following up lunchtime with a good nap, rockin the swordfish for my love, overcoming my fears about our differences, being totally relaxed and enjoying working on the art wall because I've assumed no pressure or responsibility towards it, that I have an amazing boyfriend who saves my butt at 5am when my car breaks down because I've put too much oil in it and he comes and drains the oil in a cold morning side of the road mission, and again playing the hero when he surprises me by unexpectedly stopping by my house after work to help me with a tangle of fallen tree branches that were overwelming me (I'm really not use to being able to depend on a guy like that and having them rise to the occasion... heck I'm not use to being able to depend on anybody like that male or female), getting to have dinner with Andrea (and Zac), that my brother is back in town finally, finding out surprisingly that Mat Kearney is back in SF this month to open up for Train, and being able to get 4 tickets at face value through ticketmaster after bill graham presents said there were no tickets available.

Looking forward to:
the art wall debut this Sunday, my surprise secret date that I've planned for Zac this weekend, seeing my brother finally, seeing CCPY kids I haven't seen in over a month, home group just because I love it, the Cinequest film festival going on this week, having a weekend off of work finally.