Pried Heart

So people have asked about my big annual birthday party that for months now has been scheduled for this Saturday. So I know that this won't sound like me, but you all don't know me that well after all. I'm not having a party. I'm going to sit this one out. Primarily because I hate absolutely everybody. And by everybody I mean you. And by hate I mean hurt. Except Sheila and usually Carrie. And I could have yet another huge blowout party with a hundred people who know me but are not my friends. Often popularity is seen as friendships, but it certainly has never felt like friendship. And of the few I have had, even fewer have lasted as potentials for depth fall short. The hurts of pretend friendships have hardened me to even try anymore... betrayal, disloyalty, inconsideration, sneakiness, abandonment, manipulation, neglect, hostility, and unreciprocated relationships. I don't want to try anymore. I'm too hurt to care. It's too late for me. And the thought of a big party... to gather everyone who knows me together and look around and think to myself that not one of them is a real friend, well it's just not how I want to celebrate my birthday. So no big party. No party at all.