Letting Go Is Hard To Do
The goal of the weekend was to sell off all my belongings. But that's a real hard thing to come to terms with. I remember when I first moved into my own place when I was 21. It was a small studio cottage backhouse converted from part of a garage. And I had packed just my bed and entertainment center and desk in this little place. I later added a very small custom made couch and had to block the back door to the garage to fit that in. Later as I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment, I found that I didn't have sufficient furniture to fill it. I inherited a kitchen table, a couch, and a fake christmas tree through a breakup. And then I came into what I now consider home... a 4 bedrooom house and I some how managed to fill every corner of every bedrooom. I struggled to create some kind of uniform decorative flow through the disarray of inherited furniture that came into my life. You all know how this is when you first move out... trying to shake off that fraternity style decorating, yet having no money for anything classy. And there was no ikea in the area when I first began this journey. But over the years I've gotten all the wood furniture in my house to be of a consistant stain. And I've remodeled and repainted and recarpeted the whole house. And I've rotated through couch after couch until I finally accumulated 4 matching pieces. And now when my home is indeed looks and feels like a home, it kills me to get rid of it all knowing I will have to start all over again at some point with mismatch junk and probably an impossible fixer upper. And why did I do it all? Why did I obsess over this house for the last 3 years? Well, I think I thought I was preparing for my future. I was under the pretense that any day now Mr. Right would walk into my life and we'd fall in love and get married and then we'd be blessed because we would be all set up in this beautiful house I had created. But where did I get this notion that this is how my life would play out? God never said to me "If you build it, he will come". So here I am with no prospect of Mr. Right and a beautiful house that is too big for me and too much work for me to maintain on my own. I never anticipated having to maintain it alone. But here I am alone and being held captive by this house. There is nothing for me in San Jose anymore. This house (and my church family) are the only ties to here. And I already found a new church down South. So I just have to leave the house. I think I want out by the end of the month, which is a a whole lot of work to get done in just 3 weeks. So I didn't sell my belongings last weekend because I wasn't quite there yet. I keep thinking that I'll find a way out of it. But I know there isn't one. So I have 2 more weekends to come to grips and sell it all. This is me scrapping my life and starting over from scratch. How damn scary is that?

Bye Bye Home