Wednesday, November 24

Seeking Part-Time Best Friend
I already have a best friend but she is only part time and only available via phone or email M-F 9-5. I am looking for someone available for nights and weekends to subsidize the gaps.
Approx needed 2 - 5 hours/week. Must be willing to be on call. Promotion opportunities to full time available if good work is done. Prefer if you don't have a boyfriend or if you know how to manage having both a boyfriend and a best friend.
Duties include: talking on the phone, love life consultant, coming to my parties, fashion consultant, occasionally being wing man at the bars, occasionally driving me to the airport, checking in at least every other day, and being supportive and familiar with what's going on in my life.
Benefits: I offer my designated driver services, always remember birthdays, am very generous with time and money to help you out, am a good listener, have a great circle of friends to introduce you to, am an excellent cook, and have property in both Hawaii and Tahoe for vacation usage.
Email if interested.


Blogger Liz said...

Thank you. Position has been filled. I recieved this email just moments ago.


I am responding to the best friend ad on the website. I am very interested in this position and would like to be considered a candidate for your full-time best friend.

Qualifications include:

1) Strong love of Disney – this includes knowing Disney movies (excellent at trivia), singing Disney songs (anytime, any day) and taking trips to Disneyland
2) Anything is possible attitude – why not drive down to LA for a few hours or cruise to Las Vegas for a day? Why not hitchhike boats in Monterrey?
3) Christian – great faith & believe in promises & have morals (will listen to your cds; although you know I prefer 94.9)
4) Love Capitola & shopping there & getting deli sandwiches & recommending that we get ice cream (although I never eat it)
5) Cheerful & smiley – make others laugh and prefer jokes
6) Enjoy running errands – if you need an errand wing person, its me!!! Particularly enjoy going to Walgreen’s for anything.
7) Have a great brother, mom, dad, grandma & grandpa who will adopt you as family. You will be considered a sister and receive gifts (grandma’s famous quilts) and be teased as though you are blood (Liz is a pirate, what kind of pillow is this?). These are amazing people and make a wonderful family.
8) Like to talk about any thing & everything & enjoy hearing the DETAILS… oh yeah, love the details (does anyone else?!); give it to me play by play
9) Enjoy taking outdoor hikes & picnics (I have my own picnic basket & blanket) & like pedicures
10) Dance at concerts always and sing really loud always
11) Love Waikiki and try not to get sick when I am on vacation (though, dammit – never works does it??!)
12) I make nice cards with cool drawings. For everything.
13) I make songs about anything and sing them all the time. I really like to sing about cleaning & being on my period especially. Kinda makes it better!
14) Lastly, I am fun. Really fun. Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun. Even when in boring places. I am fun. Fun, fun, fun.

Areas of weakness:

1) Fashion consultant – it all looks good? I wear clothes from the 8th grade. As a matter of fact, I wore a converse t-shirt last night to bed (circa 1990)
2) Sometimes make fun of vegetarians – eating chicken or fish sometime does not qualify
3) Have a boyfriend
4) Live out of state
5) Don’t really go out that often at night; don’t really drink
6) I have an excellent memory that may serve you well or be damaging (i.e. tagger boyfriends and Always & Forever)

I have many excellent references and have already participated in two weddings as maid of honor. Am willing to participate in your wedding as maid of honor as well. Will throw a bachelorette party in Las Vegas. Am willing to orchestrate major plots to find “the right boyfriend.” Creative ideas abound (I work on the Innovation team).

References include:

Patty Garcia, Samantha Moody, Marissa Kimura, Lindsy Caldwell, Carolyn Starrett, & Ann- Marie Legal
Momma – Please contact her first. She will give me the best reference. Although she may mention that I have problems sharing??? That is old news. I kinda share now. She also may mention that I peed the bed as a kid. I think this gives best friend’s flair and makes people more interesting.

10:29 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

This unsolicitated reference letter came in from the candidate's exboyfriend so perhaps we'll continue to keep our search open temporarily to find a backup best friend in case this one ends up completely loopy.

Dear Liz,

It sounds like you have some "best-friend" issues. You clearly have a good candidate, but I suggest you continue to interview other prospects. You really need to think about what you want out of this relationship. In my opinion the following issues should raise some red flags:

1) Who really likes going to Wallgreen's?

2) Getting sick on vacation - particularly Hawaii is a major drawback. One has to wonder - is she really sick or just being bitchy because she'd rather be on vacation with some little corny guy from Notre Dame. Just a random thought.

3) She has a boyfriend and that could be a problem. Moreover, we really don't hear anything about this guy? Does he have some boys he can hook you up with? Will he drag his girl out with you guys even though she "doesn't go out much (another flag)". Is he funny? Fun? Or would he rather just hang out and watch football? You definitely need to find out more about this boyfriend character.

4) What are her ex-boyfriends like? Might they be cool? Funny? Fun? If so - maybe she knows "how to pick 'em" and this new boyfriend is an ok guy. I don't know who this best friend applicant is, but she must have had at least one incredibly handsome, smooth, gracious, funny - did I say handsome? - boyfriend in the past. Maybe as far back as high school but there must be one. Think about him and use that as the standard index.

5) I'm not even going to discuss the songs about her period. I would be worried about this. Is this someone you'd want around your children? Pets even?

I would be happy to help you procure a best friend, but my fees can get expensive. I charge a $1,000 day rate plus expenses. However, my results are worth it and guaranteed to change your life.

Best of luck.

Friendship Advisors

10:39 AM  

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